Loneliness....

It's the worst thing about this place. Everyone is trying to make friends, while at the same time, no one is making friends. I vote to stay by myself most of the time. And while that can be great, it can be completely dreadful too. A lot of people (a certain boy in particular) just say I need to just go out and do something. Go to parties, ask people to hang out, etc. And here's the deal. I HAVE! So quit telling me to do that. Cause I am. I am a human being, remember? I do like to have fun on occasion. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna make friends just by going to a party. I've made acquaintances. I mean, there are a few people that have the potential to be actual friends, but that's just not happening now. And it's really, really frustrating. Because I think of my friends, and family, and loved ones so much. But we're all trying to pull away from each other. Or they're trying to pull away from me, rather. Which I still can't understand. Why would I want to erase you from my life? From my memory? I wouldn't. So why are you trying? Wouldn't it be a lot easier to not try? But, really, even though I say I don't understand I do. Because I want them to have wonderful lives, too.
I'd just rather they have a wonderful life with me in it. Cause as much as I love it here, I can't wait to go home.
What's the point in writing this? No one's listening.

Staring outside my window...

I find myself doing this a lot. I love it. My mind just starts to wander and wonder to so many different things. Mostly home, and the afore-mentioned boy. Or guy rather. Not a boy, yet not quite a man just yet. That'll be interesting when that happens. Anyways! But that's not all I think about. I think about Philadelphia a lot too. After all, I am staring right at it. I wonder how much more there is that I don't know about yet, and how I'm going to discover it, despite the fact I'm broke and have a great lack of transportation. I'm getting used to having to walk everywhere though. Though my recent double trip to Radioshack was NOT joyous. But what I figure is with my THREE BALANCED MEALS A DAY (despite what my mother thinks, I am not snacking on all my meal food. I'm actually not snacking much at all. So there...) and walking all the time, I will get the freshman 15. Hopefully losing 15 pounds instead of gaining it. Well, at least 5, I hope!

Which reminds me! Classes! Haha, well I've only had two days so far, but I can safely say that I am in love with this school. On the first day, I only had two classes, Acting Studio and Music Skills. In acting studio, we'll mostly focus on the whole, discovering ourselves part of acting rather than memorizing monologues. I mean, we're gonna do that too, eventually. But that's the class I'm looking forward to the most. Our professor is so cool, and apparently he's a really great guy. Johnny Hobbs. I already like the class, partially cause I don't have to buy any books for it. (More on that later...) But, after having talked to my senior mentor, apparently your acting studio class becomes your company, because it's the class where everyone really gets to know one another. And that's why I can't wait to get started. Can you imagine? Becoming an ensemble with people? Something I think a lot of people here need to learn. Not necessarily people in my class. Just people in general. I don't think that gets taught enough by acting teachers. I was lucky. 

Anyways music skills is basically learning how to read music. Something I really need to do :) It's funny. I feel so focused here. Like, for example, for the music skills lab (which is essentially how to play basic piano, not actually playing it, but how to plunk it out for ourselves), we are expected to practice everyday. And yesterday I did. And I'm going today after Mass. Look at that. I'm doing what needs to be done. Surprising. I know. 

There's also "Voice for Musical Theatre" Umm, not really. It's the Alexander Method class. But it does help us with our voice. Actually that class is more like magic. Ariel, our teacher, omigosh. All she did was position our heads by guiding us with her hands, and my entire body became so relaxed. It was amazing! She told us that it's not necessarily about understanding it right away, or at all, as long as we're trying to understand. Ugh, it's so cool!

The other class I've had, Survey of Theatre Arts, is essentially a theatre history class. Which to some people sounds really boring. But I couldn't believe that I'm actually going to be able to learn all of this, without having to try to focus on other things that aren't necessarily important to me. Like science, or foreign languages. I know that sounds really bad, and it's not like other subjects don't interest me or that I think they're unimportant. They are extremely important. We would have no world or technology with out them. But in all honesty, I'm not very good at those things. And I don't enjoy doing them. So why should I? Why shouldn't I focus on what I love to do and love to learn? I should, simple as that. I've never had this happen to me during school, but I got chills ALL DAY (literally), just thinking to myself how lucky I am to be here. To be able to FINALLY be learning and studying all of the things I've really wanted to do. Before I left home, someone old me that I'm gonna be great here, and that I deserve it. And honestly, no one's really ever up front said that to me. And before I wouldn't have believed them. But, and I mean this in the most humble way possible way, they were right. I do deserve this. I actually did work really hard to get here, and went through a lot of shit during that time too. Now I know I'm gonna go through a lot of shit here too. I'll probably break down at some point. I'll probably think I'm not talented, or beautiful, or loved. And you'll probably hear about it, I really am gonna try to keep up with this as much as possible. But the thing is, I know I'll come back stronger, and a better, hopefully both as a person and an actress. It's not gonna be easy. I'm actually aware of that. But I just say, bring it on, I can take it. After all, that's part of becoming an adult isn't it?

yup....

so.... I'm at college. And honestly, I'm feeling pretty apathetic about the whole thing so far. I've been having too much fun living on my own haha! But classes start tomorrow. The real reason I'm here. To learn and grow. And if I do say so myself, I've been doing a great job so far. Of learning and growing that is :) I have had 3 meals a day, EVERY day, most of which I make myself. And I've learned my way around the campus so that's good. And the libraries. Oh, the libraries. So full of so many wonderful books and MUSIC! There is a whole library just for music! It's all so magical. This whole place is magical. The only thing is my social life. I've discovered that I really like having me time. I mean, it kinda stinks I haven't met that many people so far, but this time to myself is really nice. Being able to do what I want, when I want is REALLY nice.

But it doesn't make me miss home any less. After talking to people from home, either over skype or over the phone, I literally feel like my life is over cause they're not with me. My support. And now that I'm here, I have to find new support. And I have no idea who that can be just yet. I think that's what I'm scared of right now. Not finding support. I also think that's why I like being alone. Because I'm the only person who really knows me thus far. I've gotten closer with people, but not like that kind of close. Does that make sense?

.....I dunno. All I know is, is that I have to try everything. I'm gonna audition for this student directed show, "Sexual Perversity in Chicago" by David Mamet. This is how much of a newbie I am. I've never read Mamet. But see, now I will. Once whoever has it returns it to the library. Now, the likelihood I'll get in this show is slim to none since 60-something apparently are auditioning (according to Facebook), but whatever. I gotta try everything. It's the experience that counts. I mean hell, I'm paying for this college thing, might as well get my money's worth and not waste it. And see, through this audition, I'm reading other plays by other playwrights whose works were suggested for the audition. See. Class hasn't even started yet and I'm already learning.

I'm kinda zonked out right now. It's a mixture between really awake, and very tired. It's only 11:15. Wow. Well I guess I'll make some tea, relax a little. I'm just anxious for tomorrow. I've been anxious for tomorrow for four years now. So I might as well be awake for it!

Philadelphia Freedom

It is now day 3 in Philadelphia. I've been devoting my time to orientation and wandering around the city. I can't freaking wait till classes start, I JUST WANNA DO THEATRE!!!! Anyways though, Philadelphia is absolutely amazing! I may like it more than New York (though I do actually live here!) There are so many great restaurants (that, like many college students, I have no money to go to!) and the Reading Terminal Market is quite possibly the most wonderful place I've ever seen in my entire life. I have a great view from my dorm, and the dorm itself is not bad AT ALL! I'm looking forward so much to just start classes, but the orientation sessions have been handy, plus at the end I'll get gift card, so it's worth it. I'm planning on going to church tomorrow, I'm actually really excited. I need God in my life right now. Lets just say I'm not at my maximum happiness just yet. But I'm on my way, hopefully.

A fresh start.... well, hopefully...

So... SOMEHOW (and by somehow I mean the fact that I have no daily access to a computer) I missed out on writing about an entire year's worth of theatre. Which included dealing with school theatre, or lack thereof, my shenanigans at FIRE, and on top of that, college auditions.... Hopefully you can obviously see why I had no time :)

But I'm back. Hopefully on a more scheduled basis. I'm getting my Mac pretty soon for school, and that's quite exciting! So hopefully, I'll update more often, especially since I'll be participating in MANY more adventures in COLLEGE!!!

So let me give you a quick rundown. After Pippin, focused on school for a while. Honestly, I don't even remember how that turned out cause it's just that unimportant to me. Then at Christmas, I was in "A Christmas Carol" I got to be an "Abundance & Charity Elf" and got to tap dance. Fun fun, yeah yeah, whatever. Flash forward to.....

WEST SIDE STORY!!!!!!!

So.... January is what I like to call my "life changing month." For one, I started a relationship with a boy, and since this blog is about theatre, I'm not going to talk about that, but regardless, it had a grand effect on my life. Secondly, there was West Side Story rehearsals. And thirdly, and most importantly of all, I had college auditions. In the greatest city on earth. New York.

Yes. It is filthy. It smells. There's a billion and one people. The apartments are small. It's really cold in the winter. Theres vendor's on the street ripping you off for a hat, but you don't care cause your ears are about to fall off. There's a million things wrong with it.

But I don't care. Because it is absolutely beautiful to me. I really do "heart" NY.

ANYWHO! My mom and I stayed with Mike and Charlie, and God bless them, they literally took me everywhere I wanted to go in the city! I went to the outside of the Marquis theatre, where one of my favorite shows, "The Drowsy Chaperone" played. They took my outside the Nederlander Theatre where "Rent", the musical responsible for my theatrical existen

ce, ended it's 12 year run a little over a year before. I looked inside the window at Sar

di's. Went inside Saks Fifth Avenue. I played on the "BIG" piano at FAO Schwartz. Watched the ice skaters in Rockefeller Plaza. Walked through Central Park. And most importantly of all, for the first time in my life, I saw a show on Broadway. Admittedly, I did try to get lottery tickets to "Wicked" first, but those are nearly impossible to get cause A LOT of people try for those. So when that didn't happen, Mike and Charlie suggested that we try to get lotto seats to

"Next to Normal" Now, I'd heard some of the music, and definitely was NOT a fan. But I wanted to see a show on Broadway. And that was that. So we went, and sure enough, it was God's will that I saw that show. I was sitting on the 2nd audience left balcony, and I had to lean over to see part of stage right. Alice Ripley, who won the Tony Award for Best Actress in a Musical for "

Next to Normal" wasn't there that night (go figure right?) But regardless... It was the greates

t thing I had ever seen. The understudy, Jessica Phillips, literally gave the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life. She literally, changed my life at a particular moment in the show. Everything was perfect, where I was sitting, having my mom next to me during THIS

particular show. That woman is amazing, even if she was only the understudy. I saw "Next to Normal" the night before my auditions. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Then, it was the morning of UNIFIEDS. My mom and I made our way down Broadway

to the AMA Building, after getting a little lost :), and I went to my first audition, for a conservatory in Seattle. Honestly, I only signed up to audition because I knew my first one was gonna suck, and it did. I literally said, "I'm so nervous!" But after that it went well. So, later on during the day, out of the blue, I decided to audition for a school in Philadelphia cal

led the University of the Arts. I had been interested before, but Mrs. Sleeman said I shouldn't audition. So I didn't sign up. Well, I was walking by, and they had an opening, so I decided to audition. Long story short, it went amazing. A woman named Amy Feinberg auditioned me, and they were running behind, so she was like, "We're just gonna have you sing one song and do one monologue." And I was like, ok, cool, whatever, you're busy. I get it. So I bust out with Kander and Ebb's song, "Arthur in the Afternoon" Ms. Feinberg and the girl assisting

with the auditions just kinda looked at each other after I sang, and she looked at me and was like, "Yeah, I want you to sing your other piece." So I go into "Our Story Goes On" from the musical "Baby" And then she goes, "You would be incredibly competitive in our program, why haven't you applied yet?" So we just started talking, and I just felt so comfortable with her, and she told me about the program, and I did my piece from Labute's "Reasons to be Pretty", and even though I still had my dance audition for Point Park, I had this gut feeling

that I had just done something extremely important. And I had. Because I got accepted. Woohoo! And I'm going there!! Woohoo! In 5 days!! Woo- wait. What?

So... side note... I've written this post in three different sittings in the course of a month. Which tells me that it's too long. Like, you know how at the beginning of it I was like, "I don't have a computer." Well now I'm typing this on my Mac. That's how much has happened. So here's what's gonna happen. Roller coaster effect!

I've been waiting to leave Greenville for 17 years. But because of the recent happenings in my life, I'm reluctant to leave. But I'm doing it anyways. I'm moving on. I'll miss many things. My family. My friends. Well, my actual friends. FIRE. But it's time. But I will go remembering this quote that was painted on the wall at, of all the god-forsaken places on this earth, St. J

oes.

"I desire no future that will break the ties of the past." -George Elliot.

I may be leaving my past behind knowing that I'm going to return a somewhat different person. But that doesn't mean I have to forget it. But it also means I can't cling onto it for dear life. And

I won't. So. No more of what's happened to me the past 8 months. You really don't care anyways :)

Here's to my new life in Philly. May it be... eventful. Anded on those events whilst they are happening.