Loneliness....

It's the worst thing about this place. Everyone is trying to make friends, while at the same time, no one is making friends. I vote to stay by myself most of the time. And while that can be great, it can be completely dreadful too. A lot of people (a certain boy in particular) just say I need to just go out and do something. Go to parties, ask people to hang out, etc. And here's the deal. I HAVE! So quit telling me to do that. Cause I am. I am a human being, remember? I do like to have fun on occasion. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna make friends just by going to a party. I've made acquaintances. I mean, there are a few people that have the potential to be actual friends, but that's just not happening now. And it's really, really frustrating. Because I think of my friends, and family, and loved ones so much. But we're all trying to pull away from each other. Or they're trying to pull away from me, rather. Which I still can't understand. Why would I want to erase you from my life? From my memory? I wouldn't. So why are you trying? Wouldn't it be a lot easier to not try? But, really, even though I say I don't understand I do. Because I want them to have wonderful lives, too.
I'd just rather they have a wonderful life with me in it. Cause as much as I love it here, I can't wait to go home.
What's the point in writing this? No one's listening.

Staring outside my window...

I find myself doing this a lot. I love it. My mind just starts to wander and wonder to so many different things. Mostly home, and the afore-mentioned boy. Or guy rather. Not a boy, yet not quite a man just yet. That'll be interesting when that happens. Anyways! But that's not all I think about. I think about Philadelphia a lot too. After all, I am staring right at it. I wonder how much more there is that I don't know about yet, and how I'm going to discover it, despite the fact I'm broke and have a great lack of transportation. I'm getting used to having to walk everywhere though. Though my recent double trip to Radioshack was NOT joyous. But what I figure is with my THREE BALANCED MEALS A DAY (despite what my mother thinks, I am not snacking on all my meal food. I'm actually not snacking much at all. So there...) and walking all the time, I will get the freshman 15. Hopefully losing 15 pounds instead of gaining it. Well, at least 5, I hope!

Which reminds me! Classes! Haha, well I've only had two days so far, but I can safely say that I am in love with this school. On the first day, I only had two classes, Acting Studio and Music Skills. In acting studio, we'll mostly focus on the whole, discovering ourselves part of acting rather than memorizing monologues. I mean, we're gonna do that too, eventually. But that's the class I'm looking forward to the most. Our professor is so cool, and apparently he's a really great guy. Johnny Hobbs. I already like the class, partially cause I don't have to buy any books for it. (More on that later...) But, after having talked to my senior mentor, apparently your acting studio class becomes your company, because it's the class where everyone really gets to know one another. And that's why I can't wait to get started. Can you imagine? Becoming an ensemble with people? Something I think a lot of people here need to learn. Not necessarily people in my class. Just people in general. I don't think that gets taught enough by acting teachers. I was lucky. 

Anyways music skills is basically learning how to read music. Something I really need to do :) It's funny. I feel so focused here. Like, for example, for the music skills lab (which is essentially how to play basic piano, not actually playing it, but how to plunk it out for ourselves), we are expected to practice everyday. And yesterday I did. And I'm going today after Mass. Look at that. I'm doing what needs to be done. Surprising. I know. 

There's also "Voice for Musical Theatre" Umm, not really. It's the Alexander Method class. But it does help us with our voice. Actually that class is more like magic. Ariel, our teacher, omigosh. All she did was position our heads by guiding us with her hands, and my entire body became so relaxed. It was amazing! She told us that it's not necessarily about understanding it right away, or at all, as long as we're trying to understand. Ugh, it's so cool!

The other class I've had, Survey of Theatre Arts, is essentially a theatre history class. Which to some people sounds really boring. But I couldn't believe that I'm actually going to be able to learn all of this, without having to try to focus on other things that aren't necessarily important to me. Like science, or foreign languages. I know that sounds really bad, and it's not like other subjects don't interest me or that I think they're unimportant. They are extremely important. We would have no world or technology with out them. But in all honesty, I'm not very good at those things. And I don't enjoy doing them. So why should I? Why shouldn't I focus on what I love to do and love to learn? I should, simple as that. I've never had this happen to me during school, but I got chills ALL DAY (literally), just thinking to myself how lucky I am to be here. To be able to FINALLY be learning and studying all of the things I've really wanted to do. Before I left home, someone old me that I'm gonna be great here, and that I deserve it. And honestly, no one's really ever up front said that to me. And before I wouldn't have believed them. But, and I mean this in the most humble way possible way, they were right. I do deserve this. I actually did work really hard to get here, and went through a lot of shit during that time too. Now I know I'm gonna go through a lot of shit here too. I'll probably break down at some point. I'll probably think I'm not talented, or beautiful, or loved. And you'll probably hear about it, I really am gonna try to keep up with this as much as possible. But the thing is, I know I'll come back stronger, and a better, hopefully both as a person and an actress. It's not gonna be easy. I'm actually aware of that. But I just say, bring it on, I can take it. After all, that's part of becoming an adult isn't it?

yup....

so.... I'm at college. And honestly, I'm feeling pretty apathetic about the whole thing so far. I've been having too much fun living on my own haha! But classes start tomorrow. The real reason I'm here. To learn and grow. And if I do say so myself, I've been doing a great job so far. Of learning and growing that is :) I have had 3 meals a day, EVERY day, most of which I make myself. And I've learned my way around the campus so that's good. And the libraries. Oh, the libraries. So full of so many wonderful books and MUSIC! There is a whole library just for music! It's all so magical. This whole place is magical. The only thing is my social life. I've discovered that I really like having me time. I mean, it kinda stinks I haven't met that many people so far, but this time to myself is really nice. Being able to do what I want, when I want is REALLY nice.

But it doesn't make me miss home any less. After talking to people from home, either over skype or over the phone, I literally feel like my life is over cause they're not with me. My support. And now that I'm here, I have to find new support. And I have no idea who that can be just yet. I think that's what I'm scared of right now. Not finding support. I also think that's why I like being alone. Because I'm the only person who really knows me thus far. I've gotten closer with people, but not like that kind of close. Does that make sense?

.....I dunno. All I know is, is that I have to try everything. I'm gonna audition for this student directed show, "Sexual Perversity in Chicago" by David Mamet. This is how much of a newbie I am. I've never read Mamet. But see, now I will. Once whoever has it returns it to the library. Now, the likelihood I'll get in this show is slim to none since 60-something apparently are auditioning (according to Facebook), but whatever. I gotta try everything. It's the experience that counts. I mean hell, I'm paying for this college thing, might as well get my money's worth and not waste it. And see, through this audition, I'm reading other plays by other playwrights whose works were suggested for the audition. See. Class hasn't even started yet and I'm already learning.

I'm kinda zonked out right now. It's a mixture between really awake, and very tired. It's only 11:15. Wow. Well I guess I'll make some tea, relax a little. I'm just anxious for tomorrow. I've been anxious for tomorrow for four years now. So I might as well be awake for it!